The therapy and addiction recovery worlds throw out the word "co-dependency" a lot. While the surface-level definition means reliance on another person, in the context of addiction, co-dependency usually implies a negative and unhealthy relationship with another person. Co-dependency reinforces destructive behaviors and feeds the cycle of substance abuse. It's a combination we frequently see at our Heyburn addiction treatment center for women.
Co-dependency can exist between romantic partners, in friendships, and between parents and children. Read on to learn more about co-dependency, how it contributes to drug addiction, and how you can identify and overcome co-dependent patterns.
Are You Co-Dependent?
If you are a natural people pleaser, a born caretaker, or someone who struggles with self-esteem, you may gravitate toward being co-dependent.
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
- Do I feel like I can't live without the other person?
- Do I feel restless, anxious, or depressed when I am with the other person?
- Do I blame my negative feelings on the other person?
- Do I worry that the other person doesn't like me enough and worry about how I can make them like me more?
- Do I expect my partner to rescue me from my bad feelings?
- Is it hard for me to feel whole without the other person?
What does this look like in the context of addiction? Here's an example: A co-dependent person may enable another person's substance abuse by excusing and supporting their behavior. They may do this because they feel responsible for the other person's well-being. For example, if your spouse is failing to keep commitments with your kids due to their alcoholism, you may make excuses for them and try to cover up their bad behavior.
If they promise to come to your son's orchestra concert but instead end up at the bar, you might apologize profusely to your son on their behalf. You may try to defend your spouse and explain how tired and overworked they are. Even if you previously told your spouse that you won't tolerate their prioritizing drinking over supporting the kids, you may later rationalize that this is OK and continue to give them one chance after another. Your boundaries don't hold up. You think you're showing love, but you're really enabling destructive behavior.
With co-dependency, you put others' needs before your own and neglect your own well-being. There are many reasons for co-dependent behavior. It is usually developed as a survival skill. It may provide you with a sense of safety, validation, self-worth, and control. You may believe you need those things so badly that you are willing to nominalize your own needs in order to get them.
The Link Between Co-Dependency and Addiction
Even if you don't recognize your relationship as unhealthy, here's how co-dependency feeds addiction:
- Enabling behaviors: Under the guise of "love," you may overlook or excuse someone's substance use. You may do things like buy your loved one substances, let your loved one live or stay with you when they are using, or bail your loved one out of jail. This can delay recovery and perpetuate substance abuse.
- Lack of boundaries: In a co-dependent relationship, there are usually very few boundaries. Even if there is a boundary, it may be quite blurry. The other person in the relationship might act badly because of their addiction. You could put down boundaries like, "You're not welcome in our home when you're using," or "I will not loan you money when I know you are using." But in a co-dependent relationship, you will rarely stay true to these boundaries. They will become empty threats.|
- Emotional dependency: If you are emotionally dependent, you may feel responsible for your loved one's addiction. You may believe that you contributed to it or that you can somehow fix it. Even if it remains unhealthy to stay with your partner, you may feel you "need" them so badly that you're afraid to take a step back.
How Co-Dependency Leads to Addiction
There are two sides to this coin. Co-dependency may drive you to feed another person's addiction, but it can also push you toward addiction. Co-dependency makes you vulnerable. You may live in a heightened state of stress or low self-esteem. You may experience dysfunctional relationships because you are depending on others for your own validation. As a result, you may find yourself reaching for substances to fill the emotional void or manage your anxiety.
You may also find yourself using substances to bond with someone else. You know you should say no, but you bow to their pressure, even if you don't initially want to drink or do drugs. Over time, it becomes the thing you do with your partner to keep the relationship strong.
How to Break the Cycle of Co-Dependency
Un-learning co-dependency takes time, but it is possible with the right steps. Here are a few strategies to help you break free from co-dependent patterns:
- Set healthy boundaries: Practice saying no when necessary and putting your own needs first. Don't be afraid to involve a trusted friend or family member to help you maintain those boundaries.
- Seek professional help: Therapy, including individual counseling or family therapy, can help you navigate co-dependency. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and trauma-informed therapy are especially helpful in addressing co-dependency. If you're actively using substances, search for a "rehab center for women near me."
- Focus on self-care: Prioritize your mental, emotional, and physical health. Engage in activities that support your well-being, such as exercise, meditation, or support groups. Take up a fun hobby. Develop a talent.
- Build a positive support network: Surround yourself with people who honor your recovery and respect your boundaries. A strong network of friends, family, and peers can help you stay grounded and get through hard days.
By focusing on your own growth and healing, you create the space needed to nurture healthier, more balanced relationships.
Take Back Your Power
Co-dependency can feed the cycle of addiction by enabling destructive behaviors and discouraging recovery. You don't have to stay locked in a cycle of co-dependency. Whether your co-dependency is fueling someone else's addiction or your own, you have the power to break free of it. You are strong and capable. You have what it takes to meet your own needs. Recognizing your co-dependency is the first step, and it's a courageous one. Now reach out for help from a friend or therapist and take the next step toward freedom.
